A Letter to the Girl I Once Was

(year-old photos where I was attempting to be artsy)

Dear girl-I-used-to-be, 

Ah, you thought you'd be the same, didn't you? It may sound odd to you, but in a couple years, you will grow into a person that is very different from the one you know now. The girl you see in the mirror who shakes with fear now stands tall, smiles easily. People tell you to trust when they repeatedly abuse it. People tell you to rush when all they want is to see is you stumble. This causes you to fear and doubt, but you will learn to listen to yourself. A voice that will become the loudest in your mind.

You will meet someone, and he will not be the one. And that's okay. You will feel unsure, but the Lord will whisper for you to let go, He has other plans. Trust Him, He knows. It will strengthen you, push you to grow into someone who values and loves herself deeply and understands that being alone is ever so far from being lonely. You will be so much happier, dear. You will discover that you are not some lost puzzle piece someone must claim, you do not belong to another soul. You are whole, you are the dark blanket of sky that is freckled with stars, always changing, vast and constant. You will learn that love is not someone trying to cut you in half in order to feel needed. You do not need anyone to make you feel complete. It is a powerful thing to know what you want and who you are and you possess both of these qualities within you.

You will graduate with your associate's degree in ECED even though you wonder how you'll ever make it through. You will get the job you wanted ever so badly that combined two of your passions: early childhood education and social work. The job that seemed impossible until it was slipped into the palm of your hand. You will be a preschool teacher that children love and trust. One will tell you that they wish you were their mommy and your heart will break. Because you know. You know she has no mother who claims her. You know she has suffered, the pieces of her story make your soul ache. These children will break your heart because you know the poverty and trauma they live in. And dear it will hurt. To watch parents (who were once children just like the ones you teach) make the same mistakes time and time again and to see them and their children suffer. It will tear you apart, to watch, to listen, to know these little ones that pull so hard at your heartstrings, you wonder how your heart will ever stay intact. But it will. Because this is what you were built to do. Your life has prepared you to serve, to look to these little ones with love and compassion. You will see the trauma instead of the negative behavior. You will see the resilience their families have instead of the mistakes. You will make a difference, one child at a time.

You worry so much about your future, but there is no need. I can tell you with confidence, that your future is bright and brims with promise. You fear so much right now. Your worries are a long list of jumbled up messes that clench your lungs, leaving you unable to breathe. Know that there will be a time when you will breathe easier, will turn to strength rather than of fear. Dear girl I used to be, you will make it through the obstacles that seem to multiply before your eyes. You will make it because you have so much courage inside of you once you choose to unleash it.

sincerely,

the woman you've become

The Many Colors of Toxic: Yellow 02

paint her with your sunlight,

let her yellow heart shine.

keep your secrets in the shadows

behind your closed pale blinds.

leave her bright with promises

of a future clear and bright,

as you befriend the darkness

that hides her bruises at night.

color her yellow as the sun,

maybe the light will hide

the dark you left on her skin,

but she'll still feel it deep inside.

you leave a sour taste of lemon

on her tight, fearful lips.

you tell her you’ll be her lemonade

if she forgives and takes a sip.

I decided to create a poetry series that surrounds the subject of toxic relationships. Why? Honestly, I have no idea. I have created many of these color poems in one sitting, and each poem explains a different aspect of a toxic relationship. I have not a clue where they came from, but I know I need to share them with you. When you are in a relationship that is toxic, it is difficult to see the warning signs. Perhaps he doesn't hit you, but he hurts you emotionally. Maybe he's really sweet, but his jealousy frightens you. Perhaps he's a great guy, but his mental state is always negative. Poison hides effortlessly in relationships. It masks itself as anxiety and fear, so you don't acknowledge the severity of its power. Perhaps this poem and the others I will share later will show girls the signs of a toxic relationship so that they can avoid it.

The Many Colors of Toxic: Blue 01

Like flower petals, he falls

Oh how he makes me blue.

I try to be his strength 

While on death he’ll always chew.

He’s like forget-me-nots

Whose soul can be the sky,

Laughing one minute

Until the waves reach the tide.

Then he is the broken man

As he drowns me in his tears,

Leaving me with the taste of salt

As it burns on my opened fears.

He tells me I’m his gardener

That without me, he’ll wilt

As I try to walk away from him

He pulls me back with guilt.

My fingers are stained with all

The blueberry mistakes that rot.

His ocean eyes are too unsteady

As he reminds me to forget-him-not.

I decided to create a poetry series that surrounds the subject of toxic relationships. Why? Honestly, I have no idea. I have created many of these color poems in one sitting and each poem explains a different aspect of a toxic relationship. I have not a clue where they came from but I know I need to share them with you. When you are in a relationship that is toxic it is difficult to see the warning signs. Perhaps he doesn't hit you, but he hurts you emotionally. Maybe he's really sweet but his jealousy frightens you. Perhaps he's a great guy, but his mental state is always negative. Poison hides effortlessly in relationships. It masks itself as anxiety and fear so you don't acknowledge the severity of its power. Perhaps this poem and the others I will share later will show girls the signs of a toxic relationship so that they can avoid it.

A Glimpse of Spring

2/21/18

The dust once settled on the top of my bones falls away into the icy shadows I leave behind. This day dances swiftly across the winter and gives me a glimpse of warmth and sunshine. After a full days work of teaching and learning, I long to be outdoors. To be filled with scents of fresh soil and something sweet in the air. The weather has risen from ice-coated houses that once seemed frozen for years. The sun spills unsteady light as it warms my pale skin and awakens my tired soul. The wind pulls me into my backyard as my body surrenders. Nature had once seemed so dead and dormant but it is now alive, it begins to thaw as it catches its breath. The pine trees sway with excitement as the dance of spring continues.  My heart was asleep in the corner of my chest, numb from hurt feelings, but now it beats wildly with sheer joy. I laugh at the ridiculous and wonderful fact that it is only February, snow was on the ground a few days ago, and now I have a day drenched in sunlight as the breeze tangles through my tresses. I am alive, I am awake. I welcome this season of life with outstretched arms and an opened mind even though this beautiful day is only a snippet of what is to come.  Although today will not last forever and winter will return, this day is a promise, that even when it feels bitter and cold, the warm days are coming to cascade colors of blue and green that will fill the gray skies and will paint the barren ground and nature will dance once again. And I will be there, waiting to request an encore as I watch its symphony of movement and light perform as if it is welcoming the season of growth and inviting me to dance along.

An Apology // a poem

I’m ever so sorry dear,

I just will not submit

To be your little lady

Who must always hide her wit.

I must apologize honey,

I’m a person not your pet

I cannot be kept on a leash

Caused by your twisted mindset.

I’m awful sorry baby,

Do my words upset your mind?

I’m sure your Misogynistic brain

Has left you rather blind.

But sweetheart don’t be hurt,

I know you mean well

As you put me in my “place”

Yet I can’t help but kick and yell.

But don’t you worry boy,

I’ll get out of your way

I’ll be living a life of freedom

As you beg of me to stay.

Because honey I’ll be fine

Without you and your lies,

For I am a woman dear

And I am no one’s prize.

Icy World // a poem

this world can sometimes seem so cold

leaving chills clinging to my bones

as I inhale ice into my lungs

and let them turn to stone.

my fingertips are a chilly blue

from all the pain they have touched

so I stuff them in my pockets

to warm the suffering they tightly clutch.

my eyes are glossed with crystal frost

telling me what to see

though it leaves blind spots with its pure snow

letting me see a filtered reality.

I live in an icy world

that snows each and every day

hoping that the falling flurries

will mask the spreading decay.

but ice has a way of melting

and letting buried secrets be seen

when the world is not washed

by its cold artificial clean.

Heart vs. Body // Fiction

My heart beats wildly as I run into the dark blanket of night, but my body remains calm and subdued. My body sits in a red cushioned chair, hands folded in my lap, listening carefully to him ranting about the football game scores and how little I’ve accomplished while he slaved away behind his immaculate desk.
My body is frozen to this chair in a bright, happy house that feels like a prison, but my heart, it runs. It beats like the wings of a bird trapped in my chest; my hands clench, and my arms flay as I run and run in hope of escape. While my heart runs away, my body stays at home, mechanically washing dishes and folding things into neat, little squares.
My husband scowls at me as the fireplace shadows cast orange light onto his face. I painstakingly paint on a mask of happiness to hide my fears. I know he will bruise me, beat me, shame me like a frightened caged animal, but my heart will not be scratched or broken for it is deep within the forest running with freedom in the air where even he cannot reach me.
 In my heart, there is no plastic, fearful smile. Instead, I laugh a dark, joyous laugh, a laugh that some might call insane. 

All the while I am sitting in that same chair, not moving a muscle.
I scream, but no one seems to notice. Though my screams do not leave my lips, the acid from my despair lingers in the back of my mouth. My screams echo in my mind, bouncing off my skull never to be heard by human ears.
 I am the animal shaking in captivity in the corner of my cage hidden by expensive furniture and red, floral wallpaper that I did not choose.
 I am the wild beast that runs without shackles on its feet, dancing across every fear that used to crowd its lungs.
My body remains chained to this chair, but my heart runs further every day, threatening to pull me apart at the seams. 

let us live like dandelions

with veins like tangled roots.

when the ground feels safe

we let them sink into the earth

clinging onto brittle soil

and blowing wishes as the wind sways.

let our wishes travel 

where even the mountains cannot touch us,

breaking in our spirits like new shoes

and breathing in untainted air

that settles deep within our lungs.

Thin Skinned

her skin was thin as wax paper,
pain soaked through her blue veins
and entered her heart,
filled her lungs
corrupted her mind
and made her bones shake.
she was a beautiful, fragile disaster
but people could only see the brokenness
and weakness
in her cold eyes,
but they didn’t see how she cradled
broken nests in the corners of her bones,
they didn’t see how she hid the broken bits of herself
in the shadows of her lungs
so that each time she breathed
her pain could be
made into oxygen
for the flowers to grow,
or how her ribcage
held all the frightened creatures
no one saw
her body was home for
the fragile,
the broken,
the weak,
and in her they found strength
they earned courage.
but people didn't see
that she was strong
even without thick skin
because she was able to let more life
into her heart.
she felt emotions
that others could only fathom of
but they didn’t see
that she was the strongest of them all
wearing the skin that could never
be callused by society's standards.

The Moon's Child

Her skin is so pale; she wraps herself in

Cotton, the sun leaves burns behind on her

Uncovered skin, its heat always winning.

Her hair is tangled from the neglect it

Has endured, someone tries to brush her locks

But she twists and screams, not wanting to be

Touched by hands that feel like fire and anger.

She runs, like a wolf held captive by the

Moon. The moon is gentle, a dark blanket

Of protection cascades over the sky.

She is a child of the moon, the night

Feels like home to her as she hums with the

Crickets, and dances on the cool dew on grass

The Perfect Student // a poem

She is stuck behind lined paper,

she never forgets to dot her “i”s,

raises her hand when she knows the answer

and is the best at whatever she tries.

she wakes up early in the morning

for she knows no other way,

writing out her schedule 

that she lives by day to day.

she always gets straight A’s

for they determine her self-esteem.

stays only on the right path

so her record will stay clean.

but life is not a checklist

of generic milestones to pursue,

some things can not be planned for

though she never truly knew

that while living on this earth

she has never really lived,

because grades cannot determine

how much beauty life can give.

For life can not be graded

by the scores given in class

experiences are the only thing

that will forever last.

Tread Lightly

tread lightly

near buds that have only begun to bloom

tread lightly

in the silent hours of the broken moon

tread lightly

on fragile hearts that hold little trust inside

tread lightly

on the secrets that people try to hide

tread lightly

in the shadows that grow too comfortable in their shade

tread lightly

where hope foils in the bleeding sun as it fades

tread lightly

in broken places where history still lies thick 

tread lightly

near untamed fire that could never find a wick

tread lightly

near bruised feelings that are carried deep within

tread lightly

on the scars that could never seem to mend

tread lightly

on the fragile things that must be handled with care

tread lightly

near the people who have little hope to share

The Falls

let your soul breathe.

let it blow away the broken pieces 

that dig down deeply

into your fragile heart

and scarred hands.

let your heart beat,

let it pulse wildly as it drowns out

the crashing sound of untamed water.

feel the earth move beneath you,

feel it spinning 

as you stand still and steady

though your life sways violently 

like a small boat in the middle 

of a war of fighting waves.

let your hopes sink 

into your heavy lungs.

breathe them in like fresh, cool ocean air

as the misty breeze tangles 

through your hair 

like iridescent streamers. 

let your held-in feelings sink

into the arms of the waterfall

as they hit the slippery rocks

and submerge beneath the river,

washing away the pain

that has flooded your mind

for far too long.

Ghosts

ghosts wander through these halls

though they aren't covered with white sheets.

they do not walk through thick walls

or haunt us when we sleep.

they do not wait in the late night dark

for they are careful not to scare.

they are painted gently by history's mark

letting their memories whisper through the air.

we wonder where they come from

these creatures cloaked with time,

the ones who carry wisdom

and the clocks that they rewind.

they are invisible to our quick glances

but if we're careful we may see,

those who are chained by time's trances

who will never be set free.

~here's a little poem I wrote a while back. The pictures are of steam from a crockpot that I photographed last year. They were so cool-looking I couldn't help but make a poem about it. I was wanting to share it on Halloween but life has been CRAZY lately. I will try to do an update post soon to let you know what has been happening in my life these last few months. I have so many pictures to share and words to tell you all, but for now, this will have to do. 

Shadows // A Poem

do not be afraid of your shadows,

the things you like to hide,

the skeletons in your closet,

that you fold deep inside.

because your secrets do not define you

if they do not corrupt your soul,

for when you bury the darkest parts of you

they have a way of escaping from their hole.

they come gently with the whispers

and haunt you with their words.

you try burying them deeper into earth

but they scream so they’ll be heard.

but you are not alone, my friend,

for all humans do the same.

they stuff their hurting where no one looks

trying to block out pain.

but what if everyone takes their shadows out

when the sun is shining bright,

for maybe shadows all look the same

when they’re held against the light.

hello, dear friends.

 I hope you all have had a great week so far! 

I spent today at a nearby amusement park with my family. 

It was super fun, but now my legs ache from all the walking we did there.

 (goodness I need to exercise more. ;))

hope you enjoy this is a little poem I wrote a day or so ago. 

I have many more poems, so if you'd like to see more, just let me know. <3

Thank you for stopping by. 

Spring

spring feels like raindrops 

and looks like broken clouds,

spilling sunlight onto my head

as it paints me golden with its light.

it cools the morning with dew

and whispers in the dancing fields.

it lets the trees grow emerald leaves 

on their once lifeless branches.

the earth starts to burst with colors

that are but strangers to winter.

seeds slowly trust the once cold soil

as they break through the dirt,

 and let their hesitant buds unfold

to soak the sun deep into their leaves
as they drink in its warm, golden rays.

What I Love

Hello there all you amazing people! 

I thought I would share a list of a few things

 I love in honor of Valentine's Day. Enjoy. <3

 I LOVE

cherry coke and potato chips // the sound of chimes that create music when the wind is alive // thick cuddly sweaters // the smell of honeysuckles // going to antique shops // the family God blessed me with // this quote // reading and creating poetry // the myriad of colors that appear when the sun is setting // learning the language of ASL // the agape love that God feels for us // the sweet little boy my family and I babysit // the way winter is loosening its grasp, letting spring peak through a little // doing calligraphy // the feeling of being warm in the cold // having the opportunity to take pictures of other humans' precious moments // this song // pasta in any way, shape or form // the way music lifts my spirits // scarlet raspberries that stain my finger tips // cake batter fro-yo // this verse // the Christmas lights in my room // the thought of going to Prince Edward Island for my senior trip // snow days // re-watching Downton Abbey as I impatiently await the new season // all of you marvelous human beings =)

p.s.

Feel free to do a list like this as well. It's so nice to remember all the things, 

people, and feelings we love and feel grateful for it all, big and small. <3

Winter

I hear it breathing with the wind

letting its icy chill slice through my soul.

I see the trees letting go of the beauty they once held

and the leaves that lay left behind on the ground

growing hard from the ice that coats the land.

I taste winter's iron air

and smell the earthy fragrance of the dead plants

and the vibrant smell of pine.

smoke whispers from my mouth

as I exhale the cold,

like a dragon I breathe.

I run through the forest washed white
and watch the snow dance with the wind
as the faded sun shines through the heavy branches.

Winter shows the dark side of nature

a season of vulnerability

it is stripped from all the beauty it once held

 and left to make sense of the cruel, the cold, the ugly, the broken,

and find beauty in it all.


~~~
We stayed in a cabin a month ago when we had our first big snow of the winter. It was sooo beautiful there. <3