A Letter to the Girl I Once Was

(year-old photos where I was attempting to be artsy)

Dear girl-I-used-to-be, 

Ah, you thought you'd be the same, didn't you? It may sound odd to you, but in a couple years, you will grow into a person that is very different from the one you know now. The girl you see in the mirror who shakes with fear now stands tall, smiles easily. People tell you to trust when they repeatedly abuse it. People tell you to rush when all they want is to see is you stumble. This causes you to fear and doubt, but you will learn to listen to yourself. A voice that will become the loudest in your mind.

You will meet someone, and he will not be the one. And that's okay. You will feel unsure, but the Lord will whisper for you to let go, He has other plans. Trust Him, He knows. It will strengthen you, push you to grow into someone who values and loves herself deeply and understands that being alone is ever so far from being lonely. You will be so much happier, dear. You will discover that you are not some lost puzzle piece someone must claim, you do not belong to another soul. You are whole, you are the dark blanket of sky that is freckled with stars, always changing, vast and constant. You will learn that love is not someone trying to cut you in half in order to feel needed. You do not need anyone to make you feel complete. It is a powerful thing to know what you want and who you are and you possess both of these qualities within you.

You will graduate with your associate's degree in ECED even though you wonder how you'll ever make it through. You will get the job you wanted ever so badly that combined two of your passions: early childhood education and social work. The job that seemed impossible until it was slipped into the palm of your hand. You will be a preschool teacher that children love and trust. One will tell you that they wish you were their mommy and your heart will break. Because you know. You know she has no mother who claims her. You know she has suffered, the pieces of her story make your soul ache. These children will break your heart because you know the poverty and trauma they live in. And dear it will hurt. To watch parents (who were once children just like the ones you teach) make the same mistakes time and time again and to see them and their children suffer. It will tear you apart, to watch, to listen, to know these little ones that pull so hard at your heartstrings, you wonder how your heart will ever stay intact. But it will. Because this is what you were built to do. Your life has prepared you to serve, to look to these little ones with love and compassion. You will see the trauma instead of the negative behavior. You will see the resilience their families have instead of the mistakes. You will make a difference, one child at a time.

You worry so much about your future, but there is no need. I can tell you with confidence, that your future is bright and brims with promise. You fear so much right now. Your worries are a long list of jumbled up messes that clench your lungs, leaving you unable to breathe. Know that there will be a time when you will breathe easier, will turn to strength rather than of fear. Dear girl I used to be, you will make it through the obstacles that seem to multiply before your eyes. You will make it because you have so much courage inside of you once you choose to unleash it.

sincerely,

the woman you've become