Thursday, December 7, 2017

I'm Not Okay & That's Okay

I have always tried to be real and honest on this little piece of the internet I have claimed as my own. So, I'll be honest with you, friends.
The beginning of my nineteenth year of life has been rough.
Though it has been full of hopes, dreams, adventures, and love it has also overwhelmed me like a relentless fast-approaching wave. Curveballs have been thrown my way, things I thought would last forever have fallen apart. Stress, worry, and anxiety have engulfed me in its dark waters. I am juggling two part-time jobs, being a full-time student, and having deep relationships with those I care about. And let me tell you, it has been so very difficult. I feel like this is my sacred place, this little blog of mine, to be real and let my emotions spill into these messy words.

I am trying to find peace again.
I used to know it so well, I used to feel it all the time. Recently, however, I have only felt frustration because too much noise and distraction has left me searching desperately for this peace. My heart is hurting. If you don't know me personally you probably don't know how empathetic I am, almost to a fault in fact. I feel the pain that those around me carry and it weighs heavily on me constantly. This, of course, causes me more stress and pain. There has been a recent, very young death in my extended family. It was devastating. I was so mad at God. Why had He let this happen? It wasn't fair. I prayed for a miracle and there was no answer. I felt the pain of those around me. It nearly swallowed me whole. What do us humans try to do when we feel pain? We attempt to ignore it, to numb our suffering so that we do not have to feel it anymore. Does this help? Maybe for a little while, but eventually we feel its sting again and this time it is stronger, more painful.

Ignoring our emotions only causes us to feel distant.
Ignoring the pain I felt made me push God and my loved ones away. It made me feel alone. But guess what my friends, it's going to be okay. Even in the dark and difficult patches of our lives, God is there. I'm sure many of you have heard the song "More of You" by Colton Dixon. It has been my anthem for life these days. The first line says, "I made my castle tall, I built up every wall. This is my kingdom and it needs to fall." For me, a big cause for me feeling stressed and distant is because the paths I thought God was pushing me towards are not the plans he has in store for me right now. I'm a planner, people. I hate not knowing what I need to do and where I need to go when it comes to God's plan or anyone's plan for that matter. But God sometimes calls us to do exactly that, to relinquish the control we so desperately hate giving up, to be okay with not knowing what the next step is but to trust that God does. It can be so hard to feel him, to hear him when the shadows of worry, grief, and stress swallow our air, our oxygen, leaving us gasping for something to fill our emptiness with something real, something sustainable. It can be hard to breathe when you are broken in spirit and worn in body and mind.

I know this because I am there.
I have been taking walks in a nearby field, listening to more music, attempting to regularly do my devotions, and reading my bible more often than I used to. I'm doing things that bring me peace. Am I okay? No, not right now, but I will be because I choose to focus on my faith rather than my fears. I choose to delve deeper into my relationship with God to ensure that I am spiritually strong before I try to help fix everyone else's problems. I choose to trust God even when I don't understand what he is doing or why he is doing it. Will this be difficult? Yes, of course, it will, but I have faith that I can.

If you aren't feeling especially okay right now, I want you to know that it is okay to not be okay. Maybe you feel broken, unwanted, hurt. Perhaps you have lost someone and you are questioning God's judgment. Know that this shadowy valley, these waves of doubt that crash into you, will pass. Know that God has a wonderful plan for you and those around you though it may seem so distant for you right now. Know that where there is pain there is always hope, there is always healing. No pain is too great for Him to remedy.

10 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you are hurting, Eve, and for the loss in your family. I can only imagine how tough that would be.

    I may not be going through the same things as you, but I relate to this so well. Peace seems so out of reach for me sometimes as these past few months have been a series of unexpected, unwanted events.

    The devo I am going through is called, "Hope when it hurts". It is beautifully written, raw, and very relatable. I encourage you to check it out.

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    1. Thank you, Jana. <3 I pray that you find peace as well. I'll have to check out that devotional! It seems like exactly what I need right now.

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  2. I don't know what to say, except you're brave for sharing this, and God will see you through. I'm sorry it's been rough for you, but I only have admiration for your faith and courage. Stay strong! xx

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    1. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to comment on this very raw post and for your encouraging words. I truly appreciate it.

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  3. God will always have your back, I'm glad that you have turned to him in this time of stuggle. Hold onto the hope you have because everything will turn out. Thanks for sharing this as well. You'll make it through this rough patch.<3

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    1. Vanessa, you are so right. Even though this may be a different season in my life right now, I have faith that life will go on and become more hopeful as time goes on. Thank you dear <3

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  4. I feel you dear Eve! Stress and anxiety are constant day-to-day battles in my life and it's been a long road to get where I'm at right now. Thank you for sharing, know you're not alone and keep fighting the good fight!
    You. Are. Loved.

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    1. It has been an endless battle for me too. It is draining to say the least, and I'm so sorry you have been struggling with it as well. Thank you so much for your encouragement, Kara. :)

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  5. Oh my word. I cannot thank you enough for choosing to share this piece of your heart and this dark time of your life with us. I needed to hear this. Thank you for being real with us. Thank you thank you thank you.

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    1. It makes my heart glad to know that my messy honest words have helped you in some way. I felt the need to share this post even though it was difficult to do so. I pray that whatever season of life you are going through, God will guide you.<3

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